I saw the coolest thing today and I just wanted to write about it. It was raining/snowing-ish slushy stuff this morning and I was walking up to campus with my umbrella. As I was going up the ramp on the south side of campus I saw a guy who was coming home from campus stop and offer his umbrella to a girl heading up to campus. I thought it was one of the sweetest things I had seen in a long time. It didn’t look like they were dating or married or anything, they didn’t stop and talk at all, just friends crossing paths and he offered to give her his umbrella and he would walk home in the rain. I may not admit it very often, but I am a hopeless romantic. I am such a fan of guys who take good care of girls and love watching chivalry in action. Does it mean that I demand it of the guys I’m around… no, not at all. In fact, a lot of my guy friends would be surprised if they saw this, because I like being able to take care of myself and I value my independence dearly. I make sure not to expect guys to do things for me, but if they do… even if I protest a little, inwardly it makes me feel like a million bucks. I’ll be honest, it is the one thing that has been so attractive to me in this guy that I kinda like. He treats girls with such a high level of respect and is chivalrous 110% of the time. Yet, he does it in such a way that I never feel like he’s doing it as a way to get something for it, or that at all makes me feel like my independence is threatened in the least. Dang him for being such a great guy.

On a different note, my senior paper is due tomorrow and I am SO not excited about it. It’s supposed to be 8 pages… and it’s definitely 5. Oh blast. I should probably be working on it instead of posting this entry… oh well. Also, I go on tour with YAs at the end of this week! I’m so excited! Our show has come together really well and I couldn’t be more pleased. Yeah, there are definitely some kinks that need to be worked out, but I’ve been really impressed with how well everything is working together and how all the pieces are coming together to make a beautiful whole. And the group this year is awesome. I love our tech crew. We’re all still learning to get it together just right, but they’re all hard working and willing to learn, which I’m totally grateful for. The performers and band have also come together really well and the whole group is doing a great job of working together to be a Zion-like people. I’m really excited to see what we’ll be able to do all together.

Ok, well I really should be writing this paper so I’m going to go. Arg… I really don’t want to…

A few steps into the darkness… the light came on

That last entry needs the resolution. I’m going to break away from the story for a second because I need to fill in the background. There were several reasons that I made me really want to come back to BYU this year – not just YAs. I really liked my roommates and I was excited to be back with them, however, in the first week it really seemed like Natalie & Julie were quickly becoming best good friends (which I knew they would) and I didn’t feel as necessary to our apartment as I had last year.

I absolutely loved the ward I had been in and I was soo excited to be back. I’ve written about it before, but I really do think that the BYU 138th ward IS Zion. However, a couple weeks before school started my bishop called to tell me that they had changed the ward boundaries and my apartment was in a new ward. He called me towards the end of choir practice, so I talked to him just before we went through the song for the last time. It always takes some time for things to hit me (moving from NY didn’t hit me until 6 months later- literally. I remember moving and thinking everything was fine… then one night while I was putting away the piano music it suddenly hit me that I wasn’t in NY anymore and I started bawling in the middle of our living room) so while I was talking to Bishop Klein I thought it was going to be fine and that I was sure the Lord knew what he was doing. As soon as I got back into choir practice and started to sing again it hit me. I was devastated. I was barely able to keep myself together through the rest of the song and the closing prayer. I told Taylor but she was hardly sympathetic. I made it to my car, put my sunglasses on and sobbed the whole way home (driving and crying… probably not the safest combination…). It wasn’t that I didn’t believe that the Lord knew what He was doing, I still believed it, and I still do believe it, I was just REALLY sad that I wouldn’t be part of that ward anymore. I don’t adjust well to change and this was a VERY unwelcome change in my life.

On top of that, things had gotten super weird over the summer between me and this guy that I liked. He is one of my best friends and I really felt like I couldn’t really talk to him the same anymore. Another reason I felt like I should be up here was to take care of Taylor. It’s her first year at college, and that can be rough on anyone. My freshman year was one of the worst years of my life partly because I had felt so very alone. In addition to that Taylor is still battling with Intracranial Hypertension, so she gets very sick at times. I really wanted to be up here to take care of her when she was having breakdowns and just be up here to support her in general. I’ve really missed being around my family while up at school and I was so stoked to have her up here with me. But there again, she’s a lot more outgoing than I am so she easily makes friends and after the first couple days of overcoming jet-lag she seemed like she was all set to go.

Which brings us finally to the big one. When I originally had prayed about what I should be doing this year I really felt like I was supposed to be coming back and doing Young Ambassadors again. I suppose I never asked that in particular but that was the real reason that I felt like I was supposed to be here. Everything else was more of a comfort zone thing, or gravy. Good things, good reasons to come back, but none of which were truly compelling enough to delay going on a mission. You have to understand, Young Ambassadors is more than just a singing and dancing group. It’s not just another touring theater group. It is a group with a tremendous spirit and an amazing mission to fulfill. I have made the mistake in the past of making it sound like it is the equivalent to a full time mission. It’s not. I know it’s not, but there is a lot more to it than people realize. It’s really hard for me to explain it to anyone who’s never been a part of it. The Young Ambassadors can touch people in ways that no one else can. I really feel like the people in the group are meant to be there, if not foreordained. I know that sounds over the top, but the longer I’ve been a part of the group the more I’ve felt it. They are some of the most spiritual, most amazing people I have ever known and I don’t know what I could have done to deserve to be a part of them. I have learned so much about myself, about people and about the Lord by being with them.

Anyways, YA’s was the real reason that I felt like I should stay. So, when John told me that he didn’t want me for stage manager this year, it was pretty hard. I posted about that before so I won’t repeat it, except to say this. I can honestly say that I wasn’t bitter. I know that anyone else who had applied most likely had more theater experience in general than I did. My experience has been almost 100% Young Ambassadors and very little anywhere else. Plus, I sincerely believe that the Lord is watching out for that group and if John didn’t want me back then maybe I was supposed to be getting some message out of that from the Lord. That group will end up with whoever it’s supposed to have, and the work will go on. I’ve heard it said before that whether or not we choose to support the gospel it will go forward and eventually prevail. It says in the Bible that when all is said and done Christ will conquer Satan and righteousness will win out. We know who the winning side will be, and our choice is to be on that side, but our being on that side will not determine the outcome as a whole, only for ourselves. That’s how I feel about the Young Ambassadors. With or without me, that group is going to go on to do amazing things. The Lord is in control and He will raise up whomever He needs to see that the work gets done. If it’s me then, fantastic! If it’s not, the work is going to go on and whoever is there instead is the person who is supposed to be there. Anyways, I didn’t mean to go on forever about my testimony of Young Ambassadors, I just wanted to add it as another thing that didn’t work out. I was very confused that everything felt like I ought to be a part of it, everyone thought that I ought to have that job, and then it didn’t work out.

So, in my last entry I wrote about how upset I was about not getting the stage manager position. That was Saturday night. Sunday I fasted all day about what I should do. Still, I didn’t really get a specific answer, but since I keep being told to counsel with my parents, they were pushing me towards a mission, and nothing else was coming together, I finally decided that I was going to go talk to my bishop and turn in my mission papers for the end of this semester. So, on Monday, I decided to just do it. I even told my sister about my decision just before I went home from classes that day. She’s been somewhat mad at me all summer because I was putting off a mission and she would give anything to be leaving on a mission right now. I don’t know that I can say that I felt “good” about the decision… I didn’t feel like it was wrong, but it was more of a determination than a fuzzy warm “this is the right decision” kind of feeling. I was going to do whatever the Lord wanted me to do, and if it was going on a mission, then that’s what I was going to do. I hadn’t received a distinct confirmation that I needed to serve a mission, but it seemed like the only logical thing at that point. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense but I don’t know how else to describe it.

I returned from classes that day and plugged my computer into the internet. I was watching it connect to Google Talk and it started showing me the snippets from my new e-mails. I had 5, which seemed unusual but I just watched as it scrolled through them. One in particular caught my eye:

I was stunned. I’m pretty sure my heart stopped beating right then and there and I just stared at my computer for a second. I felt sure that I was sleeping or seeing things or possibly that all of the tension and confusion and semi-depression was catching up with me and I was starting to go insane- beginning with hallucinations. Finally I shook myself and opened up my actual inbox. Sure enough, there was the email from John.

I re-read it several times before doing the only thing I could think of to do. I called my mom. She was at a dentist appointment with the boys, but I tried to tell her as quickly and calmly as possible (which was very difficult… I was very near squealing) about the email. She was very excited for me, but couldn’t really talk, since they aren’t allowed cell phones in the dentist’s office, so she promised to call me back. I was still bouncing with excitement and a fair amount of nervous energy, so I called Taylor. Her response wasn’t exactly ideal. She told me that “you suck as a human being.” I thought that was a little spiteful, but I didn’t really expect anything more from her. Finally I called my dad to tell him. He was very excited for me, and discussed it with me for a fair amount of time. I told him about the decision I had made just before receiving that email to go on a mission (I hadn’t even had time to tell my parents yet). His response was to the effect of “ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” What he said is actually best summed up in a quote from Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Twelve Apostles in an article entitled “The Candle of the Lord” in the January 1983 Ensign. Elder Packer said,

“Somewhere in your quest for spiritual knowledge, there is that ‘leap of faith,’ as the philosophers call it. It is the moment when you have gone to the edge of the light and stepped into the darkness to discover that the way is lighted ahead for just a footstep or two.”

I had been half expecting my parents to tell me to turn it down and just go on a mission anyways. So, to hear their counsel finally coincide with everything I felt was a REALLY good feeling. When I got off the phone with my dad I decided that I needed to stop and really ask the Lord if this was right. Yes, it was great and it was a miracle, but it also could be just another part of the test. That would be mean, but it wasn’t impossible. So, I knelt down and prayed. I stopped and thanked my Heavenly Father for this opportunity. I told Him how excited I was and how much I wanted this job and promised to do the very best job I could do. Then I told Him that if He didn’t want me to take this job, I wouldn’t. I told Him that I had faith in Him that He would lead me to the things that would be best for me, and to the places where He needed me most. I did, however, tell Him that if He didn’t want me to take this job, I would probably need a fairly clear confirmation. My suggestion was flaming swords 😉 (I’m sure I probably sound a little bit flippant and irreverent when I’m talking about how I speak with the Lord. I’m sure I’m a little more casual with how I speak with Him, but it’s because I feel more like He is real when I can be real with Him. I think He understands us better than we know, and that He is more like us (well in reality we are more like Him, but if A=B then B=A right?) then we realize. I don’t intend those comments in a sacreligious way, I just feel closest to the Lord when I can talk to Him more like Brittny and less like the Bible.) Anyways, I didn’t really mean that I needed a flaming sword to stop me, but I wanted to make it clear that I intended to take this position unless I received revelation saying I ought to do otherwise. Whether that revelation came in the form of a flaming sword, a feeling, a thought or a comment from my parents was less relevant. I closed my prayer and stopped to listen for a moment. Slowly, all of the burdens of confusion, and hurt and depression lifted away. I felt more at peace than I had in a long time.

So, yeah, I called John that night and Matt trained me to be Stage Manager the next day. I’m so excited to be a part of this again. This year’s group seems so amazing. I love our new crew already. It’s definitely going to be a lot of hard work and time, but I’m thrilled. I just hope that I can do it as well as it ought to be done. The only real “stage managing” experience I had was in our high school’s dance department. I’m not worried about the office stuff, or getting everything ready for the tours. I know I can handle that just fine. I’m sure that the set ups will go smoothly enough, I feel like I know what’s supposed to happen there. Strike shouldn’t be too big of a problem either. I think I can handle the people problems and work through any issues that may arise there. Really the thing that I am the most worried about is actually calling the show. That probably sounds stupid to most people since literally all I have to do is read along with the script and tell people when to turn on spotlights or fog machines, or retrieve props from the stage, and push the play button so that the music starts for each number. I guess it just scares me a little because there is a lot of responsibility resting on my shoulders to make sure that things happen when they’re supposed to and in the right way. We have two fresh spot ops that will need to be trained and I’m supposed to be able to tell them when they’re doing things wrong. I was one of the worst spot ops ever. At least that’s how I felt. I missed cues all the time and I was always too bright, or too dim, too high or too low, hitting the valance, coming on in the wrong spot, I just constantly felt like I didn’t get it right. I’m sure that I was too self-critical, but I just hope that I can see when there are problems and be able to identify them. I know that Keith is the lighting guy and he’ll definitely see when things are wrong and he can just as easily tell the spots what they ought to do. I just want to be able to do it myself and do it right. I hope people will tell me when I’m messing up, and that I’ll be able to take it well and improve. I don’t want people saying, “Well, Brittny doesn’t quite know what she’s supposed to be doing so I’ll just take over this part.” It’s going to be a learning curve, I’m willing to learn and I hope that people around me are willing to let me learn and do it. That probably sounds prideful, but it’s not so much that I want to do it because I want the power or anything like that. I just want the show to run the way it’s supposed to go, and do things the right way, the professional way, and not some alternate-way-we-made-up-for-us. However, whatever concerns I may have, I really am just excited to be back and I can’t wait for the adventures ahead.

I know this entry is sort of stream of conscious and getting to be fairly long, sorry. But, I need to write this all out. It helps me really think through things, and remember things that I have learned so that later in life I can look back and see where I came from and what I’ve done with the lessons I’ve learned. In my defense, you don’t have to read the entry. 😛

I guess I should probably tell you the resolutions to all of my other reasons for being up here as well. After YAs fell into place everything else sorta came together as well. As I’ve been in my apartment I’ve really noticed that I am really wanted here. Julie wasn’t replacing me with Natalie at all, the three of us have become very good friends, but we are the three of us, and not a combination of any of the two of us. We have very different personalities in some ways and very similar personalities in others. We’re all pretty low-key so it makes for a nice laid back apartment, but each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses. I’m good friends with each Natalie and Julie and they are good friends with each other. I think it was just that they were sorta meeting for the first time and still in the fun part of really getting to know each other whereas I already knew both of them (Natalie is from my home stake & Julie was my roommate last year). I guess I probably felt a little left out of all that… but not really for any good reason. Things seem to be cool with that guy friend and we’re still friends without any apparent weirdness anymore (I found out just the other day that he’d been dating someone when I talked with him over the summer… but he never told me that. I think that was probably the source for a lot of the weirdness). Taylor has definitely proven to need me more than it seemed at first. She’s had a couple of minor meltdowns and I’ve seen her pretty much every single day since we got up here. Whether it’s been for lunch or when she’s needed to escape her dorm room she’s been around a lot more than I expected. I think it’s definitely good that she’s got me up here to watch out for her. I’m sure she COULD do it on her own if she had to, but I think it’s good that I’m here for her. Technically, I did make it through my freshman year on my own… but it sucked. Hopefully Taylor’s experience will be a lot better than mine was. I’m still trying to reconcile myself to our new ward. I am more convinced than ever that my old ward was Zion. However, I know that any situation is what you make of it so I am doing my best to be positive and be a part of the ward. I think it will get better as I really get to know more people in the ward, it’s just going to take a little bit of time.

So, yeah. Life is good. I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be and that everything is going to work out just great. School is going well. My classes are going to keep me good and busy and learning lots. YAs rocks. I love my roommates. My family is awesome. The gospel is true. Temples are beautiful. To quote Polly in “Crazy for You”, “Who could ask for anything more?”

Why it’s all collapsing…

So, I guess my post from the other night likely seemed rather dramatic without any apparent explanation. So, I will now try to explain as best I can what all is going on in my life.

I guess first off I should say that I just got back from Australia where I had an amazing time with my family on the Great Barrier Reef, playing cards and visiting with family. It was a fantastic trip but I am glad to be home again. However, the trip to Australia meant that I returned to Utah the night before classes start, after spending nearly 24 hours traveling. I was SO not ready for classes to start. The day classes started I spent most of the day at Wal-Mart and my storage unit moving my stuff in and buying stuff for Taylor to start off her school year. It was absolutely insane.

But, none of that was what triggered my despairing post. The day I left for Australia I called John Shurtleff- the technical director for the Young Ambassadors. Earlier this summer I had sent him an email inquiring after the Stage Manager position for this coming year. It is something that I have wanted desperately since I was a freshman in Young Ambassadors. After three years in the group our previous stage manager had finally graduated and the position was open. However, two months of the summer went by without any sort of response from John. At this point I wasn’t exactly sure what to do so I sent him another email which essentially repeated my first email and asked if he had even received my first email. He responded and asked me to call him. I did so immediately, but when I got a hold of him he said he was busy and asked if he could call me later. I gave him my phone number and waited. For weeks and weeks I waited. Finally, the day I was leaving for Australia I called him again. We had an amiable conversation, however, he declined my request for the stage manager position. He said he is looking for someone who can be around for at least two years. I didn’t really have time to fully process that at the time as I was leaving the country within the hour so I sorta filed it away. Through the entire trip I didn’t really pull it out to deal with it. What could I do? John is the technical director and if he doesn’t want me as stage manager, what am I going to do? Tell him, no he really does want me as stage manager? So, since I couldn’t do anything I just left it be.

Unfortunately, the day that classes started coincided with the first day of YA rehearsal. I decided not to go to the rehearsal since I had decided previously that I would not return to the Young Ambassadors without that position. I knew that if I went I would remember all the reasons I love the group so much and I would hardly be able to tell them no. Plus, since most of the group knew that I wanted that position, and that I wouldn’t be returning since I hadn’t gotten it, I didn’t want to show up and spark gossip and rumor. So, I stayed away. Within an hour of rehearsal being over I had discussed my decision with 4 out of the 9 technicians from last year. That’s a lot more than it sounds. Out of the other 5, one was myself, 2 are on missions, 1 is graduated and probably doesn’t even know that I’m not in the group, and the last one wasn’t ever really my friend and isn’t in the group this year either. Plus, two of the people who I received phone calls from aren’t in the group this year. That night (when I posted) I was feeling very confused and hurt. I have worked harder than anything for that group for the last three years. I have literally poured blood, sweat and tears into being there 110% all the time. I don’t want to sound prideful, but there is no one among any of the other applicants who knows the show and group as well as I do- simply because none of them have ever been in the group before. I’ve been one of the first ones there and last ones to leave for rehearsals, set ups, strikes, load-ins, load-outs, firesides etc since I joined the group. I have tried to learn every aspect of the show and I could probably set up and run any part of the show myself now (granted, lighting and sound would be HIGHLY sketchy, but if the audience wasn’t too observant I do know how to set up the equipment and run it to some extent). If I really thought that the issue was longevity I guess it wouldn’t hurt as much, but I’m fairly sure there’s something more that John’s not telling me. But I won’t lie, I’m really hurt. There are few things that I have ever really wanted and worked for in this life. Very few things. There is certainly nothing that I have worked this hard or this long for or wanted this much. I love the Young Ambassadors more than I can truly express. I love the work that they do. I love that I can be a part of an organization that is a force for so much good. An organization that is trying to spread the gospel. Yeah, it’s a pretty unconventional way to do it, but it’s true none the less. It is absolutely killing me inside to be up in Provo and not be a part of it. Last night I spent nearly 2 hours praying about being in the group this year. I cried more violently than I have in almost two years. It feels like a hand reaching in and trying to snatch my heart right out of my chest. And it’s not just not getting the position. In and of itself, that’s not a big deal. Yeah, I wanted it, but that’s not what hurts the most. What hurts is not knowing why and not knowing what I’m really supposed to be doing. I posted several months ago about making the decision of whether or not to go on a mission this year. I turn 21 in a month and a half and I will FINALLY be eligible to serve a full time mission. I have been battling with the decision of whether or not and when to go since the middle of last year. As I fought through it last year I got the distinct impression that I needed to stick around for this year of school. At the time the impression seemed like I needed to stay for another full year for Young Ambassadors in particular. However, now… I’m not so sure. The support of my friends and family seems to be for me to go on a mission right now, ASAP. But I really don’t feel like that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I hate being back here, with everything my heart is saying and what everyone around me is saying diametrically opposed. Why? Aren’t I allowed to be right, for once, about my own life? Is that too much to ask? Everyone says they trust me that I will make the right decision, but if I make the decision that they don’t like… suddenly that trust seems to dissipate. Part of me wants to go on a mission just to appease everyone and get them off my case. But that’s not a reason to serve a mission, or a good reason to do just about anything really. As I’ve prayed and studied out the situation I keep feeling like I’m supposed to be a part of YAs this year. It’s my last year at BYU and the group is returning to China. It ought to be a killer year. But part of every bit of counsel I’ve received has been that I need to counsel with my parents… who quite obviously want me to serve a mission. My mom has said that she supports me in putting it off until the end of the year, but… it sounds so empty when she says it. More like she’s saying, “sure, I won’t stop you from making the wrong choice, even though I’m very dissapointed that you’re doing it.” How can I reconcile that?

I need to stop this entry. I was hoping that writing it would help me to solidify my thoughts and feelings and help me make a more concrete decision, but it’s just making me upset and leading me to tears again. I know it’s all going to work out. The Lord is in control and I know that if I stay close to Him I will not be lead astray. I know this is all sounding very lost and confused, but I really do have faith in that. This whole experience hasn’t shaken my testimony one bit. If anything it has strengthened it because I know more than ever that I need the Lord’s guidance. Heck, if I didn’t have a testimony this whole decision would be made very simple. Would I be doing YAs or going on a mission? Neither one! I love YAs for the work that we do in spreading the gospel. But it is HARD work. I wouldn’t dream of doing it if it weren’t for my testimony. I love sharing my testimony in really the best way that I know how. Words have never been a forte of mine, I am much better at quietly serving other people and working hard to make sure that everything works out. I love that I can share the gospel through just loving other people and being a good member of the church. Showing what I believe through what I do more than by what I say. It will all work out. I think that’s one of the most reassuring things that I know through the gospel. No matter how impossible, or difficult things may seem, the Lord is in control and everything will work out. Generally, it works out better than I could even imagine, I just need to be patient, and continue to press forward, working out my own salvation before the Lord and have faith.

world collapse

Could I please take a raincheck for my whole world to collapse? I really think that I’ll be more prepared for it next week, I have enough to deal with this week. Or if I could at least reschedule my appointments with the different parts of my world falling down so that I can take them on one at a time that would really be great. Honestly, I thought that trying to take on jet lag from Australia, moving in and the beginning of classes was enough. But maybe I’m asking to much. Apparently.

Tour Quotes

Lexie had some YA tour quotes posted in her Facebook profile. I wanted to post them here and quickly comment on them before I forgot what all of them were.

“San Antonio is dead to me.” – Lexie Auman, after being pooped on by a bird at the San Antonio Riverwalk. She was a lot more upset about it than I think most people would have been. She was literally in tears and the rest of us laughed. Maybe laughing wasn’t the nicest thing to do… but it was a really funny moment. This started a new game on tech crew- the not crying game. Essentially, we were all so surprised that Lexie was the first one to lose it on tour and start crying that we kept track of who cried next. Debbie was, naturally, the next one to lose – her husband was in Arkansas and she was on tour, newlyweds aren’t usually too happy about being kept apart. The rest of us lost together when we watched the new Joseph Smith movie in Nauvoo. That is such a powerful movie that all of us walked out with red eyes. It was a fun game, and a good way to end it :).

“Little Debbie….mmmmm” & “CRRRRAAAZY Debbie’s Fireworks!” -Matthew Schetselaar (and tech crew) Our costumer (whose name is Debbie… as you might have guessed) was the butt of almost all teasing on tech crew. She was an easy target and she took it well. She probably weighs like 10 pounds and at one point someone called her little Debbie. Then Matt realized that was a brand of snack food and added “mmmm”. That of course stuck and was used through the rest of tour. Then as we were driving through Missouri (I think) we saw a big warehouse that had painted on the side “Crazy Debbie’s Fireworks”. We thought it was brilliant and that also stuck. 🙂

“1…2…3…Nina!” -YA countoff. There were 6 people each in charge of making sure that 5 people were on the bus and then those 6 people would count off. Emily never could find Nina, so every day it would be “1..2..3.. NINA?… 4..”

“I thought when I fell in love for the first time it would be with just one person.” – Spencer Harrison (the Guitarist). Spencer made this comment during our final testimony meeting. It had been an awesome tour and he was saying how much he loved all of us. It was just a great quote.

“It’s za mini temple.” -All of the YAs, freaking all of the time (please just shoot me now). Actually it was really “za mini” EVERYTHING. After we went and saw the mini temple in Snowflake Arizona, someone dubbed it “za mini temple” (yes, with an accent), and after that… we had “za mini show”, “za mini tech crew”, “za mini stake center”, “za mini bus”, “za mini theater”, “za mini dinner”, “za mini”,”za mini” AHHH!

I still haven’t posted all that I would like to about tour, but I will sometime soon… I hope. For now though, it’s a good start! Happy Independence Day everybody!

End of Finals

It’s been really busy lately with preparing for the end of this semester so sorry I haven’t posted in a while. Actually, currently I am functioning (I use that term loosely) off of 1 hour of sleep. We’ll have to see how this goes. Sorry if this is less than lucid, you might understand why. I don’t have a particular topic that I wanted to post on so I’m sure this will jump from topic to topic without any real rhyme or reason. I’m actually in class for my very last final of this semester so I’m very excited to get done and be out of here.

Finals week has been interesting. I did one of the most retarded things I have ever done in my life and forgot to take a final. I thought that it was in the testing center during finals week, when really it was in the testing center during the last two days of finals. I felt REALLY stupid when I realized that I had done that. So, it looks like I will probably be taking Linguistics 450 (Historical and Comparative Linguistics) over. At least I liked that class, so I guess it could be worse, right? Other than that my finals went pretty well. I didn’t have to take my Social Dance final because I did really well on my medals exam so I was done with that class before finals week. My advanced web programming class (PHP & MySQL) just had a final project that was technically due last Monday, but really due today at 7am (that’s where I’m at right now). I absolutely adored that class and I’m really excited that I get to go home this summer and work with the things I have learned. I took the second half of New Testament course from Brother Stephen E. Robinson (yeah again) which was absolutely incredible. I feel SO lucky to have been able to take classes from him. We had a test in the testing center during finals week which really wasn’t too bad. I got a 84 on that test so I should be in good shape. My ASL class was also finished before the end of the semester, we presented a story to our teacher during the last couple days of classes. I’m not completely sure how that went but we’ll see. It was a really great semester and I’m actually kind of sad to see it be over.

The coolest part of these last couple weeks has been hanging out with my roommate Julie. She is without question the coolest person ever! I’m really sad that I might not be back in the fall and living with her again. We have had so much fun just staying up late, and hanging out talking, walking to the grocery store twice a day, playing free cell, watching every movie ever made, watching Gilmore Girls etc. I’m soo sad that we didn’t become really good friends earlier in the semester. But better late than never, right?

Right now I’m just getting ready to leave for Young Ambassador tour. We leave for Texas at 6am Saturday morning *shudder*. I am totally stoked for this tour. We are going to go to a lot of the LDS Church History sites including staying for a week in Nauvoo. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about having a state-side tour this year. Our international tours have been SO amazing that I just didn’t think that this would be able to compare. However, the closer we get the more excited I am. It’s going to be really great to go somewhere that the culture, language and food are familiar *at least relatively…* International tours are awesome, but they are hard. It’s tough not being able to communicate effectively and have to exchange currency and not know what the food is that you’re eating. This tour won’t have the same cultural excitement but it’ll be much easier to get through. I’m also just excited for the people that I get to go with. I really love everyone in Young Ambassadors. I’ve posted before about how much I love the rest of the tech crew, but what I haven’t mentioned is how amazing the cast has been. The whole group just seems to mesh and work together so much better than previous groups have. The cast is super down to earth and friendly and just works together well. Our band is still fun, but they don’t have the rebellious streak that the band has had in the past, which is nice. It was kind of frustrating to have the band be anti-YA. The whole group this year has just been a refreshing change from previous years. I have just loved this year soo much.

I am really sad right now to leave my ward. On Sunday I went to my last sacrament meeting as part of the BYU 138th ward. I literally cried through the entire meeting. At the end I looked like someone had punched me in the face (I have never been an elegant crier). I just couldn’t believe that this year was over already. It has flown by so quickly. I don’t know that I have ever felt so welcome and at home. Definitely not since I came to BYU. Actually, I didn’t cry through the meeting as much because I was sad as because I felt so blessed. I don’t know what I possibly could have done to deserve to be where I am at. It has been one of the best experiences of my life. I love all of the people I have gotten to know and love as family members. My home teachers have been incredible, the Relief Society Presidency from last semester, the girls I’ve served with in the RS Presidency this semester, my visiting teachers, my roommates, my council members from last semester, the bishopric and everyone who has become my friend (which is basically the whole ward). I can’t even begin to describe how blessed I feel.

Ok, well, I am thoroughly wasted now and I don’t think that I can post much more lucidly (not that any of what I have posted so far is lucid… on the contrary, I am sure it is very muddled… but now I have updated and I feel a little bit better about life.) How much longer can this class go on?!? I’ve been here since 7am, and it is now after 9am and we’re still going through presentations. The presentations are fine and all… but I’m really ready to go back to bed (or at least back to sleep on the couch). Actually, the longer I am awake the harder I know it’s going to be to go back to sleep. That’s what I get for starting my day with a banana and a coke (breakfast of champions!) Hopefully this ends soon…

Sierra Vista, Arizona

Well, here we are at Sierra Vista on the 6th day of Young Ambassador tour. I have to say that out of the 8 YA tours I’ve been on this has definitely been my favorite. I have loved every second I’ve been able to spend with the tech crew which has made it infinitely enjoyable. I think I can honestly say that I have some of my best friends on the crew with me this year which just makes it so much better. Really, I just don’t want to have to go home and face the real world. I’m not even close to ready for that. I don’t have my homework caught up and… I don’t know, I like tour a lot and I’m definitely ok with staying here. The weather has been amazing and it’ll be hard to go back to the snow. But it will be good. I am looking forward to being back home with everyone, I’m just not ready for it yet.

So, my host family last night was a trip. Wonderful people but a trip. We were in Tucson, AZ at the University of Arizona. It was a great venue but I’m straying from what I wanted to talk about. At the end of the night we were told that the tech crew girls (me, Lexie Auman and Debbie Allen) would be rooming together again. In years past when I would hear that I’d kinda be disappointed. However, I was totally stoked. I LOVE rooming with these girls. We have definitely become friends. So we got all of our luggage and headed out to meet our host mom. She was a younger woman with one little girl named Spring with her and was apparently pregnant. I felt bad because I thought we were probably keeping her little girl up past her bedtime since she was so young. When we got out of the theater she told us that she was parked a ways away and would go get the car then come and pick us up. While we were sitting there Lexie realized that she had accidentally picked up Keith’s bag instead of her own so she and Debbie ran back in to exchange bags. (It’s a good thing we realized this then or it could have produced a very awkward situation this morning) After they had been gone for a couple of minutes my mom called me to let me know that one of my really good friends is unofficially engaged! I’ve always thought that was a really funny thing to say, but basically they’ve set the date but she doesn’t have the ring… so it’s not official… whatever. Anyways, the girls came back and we loaded everything into the van. I was excited because we don’t generally get to stay with families with younger children because it can be kinda difficult for them to take on a bunch of college students for the night. Lexie was also really excited because she’s been wanting to stay somewhere with younger kids for a while and has been jealous of anyone who has gotten to do so. So we were driving home and we were playing with the little girl. We found out that she was 2 years old and her name was Spring. She was the cutest thing on the planet. I think babies are so much funner when they can talk and play a little bit than when they’re just newborn and just kinda sit there and be little. Just a personal opinion. Anyways, we also found out that Vicki had another child- a little boy named Tiger who was 4 years old. Super exciting! So, we drove home. It took a LONG time to get there but we did finally get there. Sure enough, when we walked in the door this little bundle of energy named Tiger started running around. I was surprised to see that both of their kids were awake since it was probably past 11pm at that point and most children are asleep at that time. So we took our stuff upstairs and they showed us our three options for places to sleep- the baby’s room, the guest room and on a blow up matress in their upstairs living room. Debbie decided to take the bed in the baby’s room and since Lexie and I couldn’t decide just yet we decided to pow-wow in Debbie’s room. Of course, when we went in so did the two little kids. They were running around and jumping on the beds. So we definitely got to play with them. However, it was getting kinda late and we were pretty tired. Debbie went out of the room and called her husband to tell him goodnight. After awhile she came in and basically passed out on the bed- still in her blacks. Luckily the kids took a hint and Lexie and I took them out into the hall to play some more. And they were definitely still up for playing some more. We ran around with them for probably another 30 minutes before they went downstairs to have dinner. As soon as they left Lexie and I went into our room and collapsed on our beds. Running tech for the Young Ambassadors is pretty intense so we come home tired anyways, but after a long day and then playing with kids we were wiped out. Lexie fell asleep on top of the covers still in her blacks. Although I had been planning on showering that night it just wasn’t going to happen so I changed into my PJs and hopped into bed as well. The kids on the other hand went downstairs and were fed dinner! Dinner! At past midnight! I’ll admit that sometimes I live on that kind of a schedule… but I’m in college… and I’m not 4 years old. The next morning the parents were telling us how the kids had been up late… gee I wonder why! In the morning we were running a bit behind schedule so we were hoping to just go and meet the tech van ASAP. But, that was not going to be the case. We came downstairs to breakfast and tried to get going. When we got in the van Sister Westerfield said that we were going to have to stop by the grocery store to pick up drinks for our lunches. Swell. We were already about half an hour late… and she’s insisting that we stop by the grocery store. We did finally get to the tech van about 45 minutes late, and it was actually ok because we went sight-seeing and had far more time than we needed in Tombstone. I’m sure part of us being late was our fault. But honestly! I just don’t understand some people.

Rachel Stutz is my hero!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that Rachel Stutz is my hero!! This week has been a little bit rough with all I’ve been doing with Young Ambassadors. It’s been especially difficult the last couple days because I ran out of bread and tortillas and didn’t really have anything easy to eat, and not time to make something more complex. Nothing major, I haven’t been starving or anything (I don’t want anyone to worry that I’m going anorexic), I just have had to think a little harder about what to make with combinations of food that don’t go together. Then today when I got to dance class there was Rachel with a grocery sack and food that’s all prepared to last me through tomorrow! Plus she wrote me a nice note to wish me luck tonight. I was so touched!

I’ve been realizing all over again this week how very blessed I have been. For the first time since being at BYU I really feel like I have good friends that I try to look out for and that look out for me in return. I’ve been totally considering lately staying here over the summer and through the fall semester. It seems way backwards of what would make sense. Not only does Tyler (my sorta missionary) come home in April, but Paul (my way best friend) comes home over the summer as well. If I stay here I’ll totally miss both of them coming home. Plus, my dad has offered me an ideal position at work where I could learn to program in Java and be on the development team and earn $20/hour. I’m not exactly sure how I can turn that down… But I don’t want to leave… I LOVE it here. My ward is amazing, I really feel like I belong here, and it just all feels so right. I know it’s all going to be different over the summer- I’ll probably have different home teachers, Rachel will go home, some of my roommates will leave, the class I TA for won’t be in session, there won’t be YAs… but, I still really think I want to stay here. I know if I stay my bishop will use me in my ward and I like being somewhere that I’m useful rather than just coming home and being the one who throws parties all summer. That’s fun too, but… I don’t know. I’ve decided not to force the decision until about April, but I’m definitely WAY leaning towards staying here.

online shopping…

Good grief it is cold in here! Our furnace was broken this morning and we had to have a repairman come and fix it so that we didn’t freeze out of our apartment (for those of you back in CA let me just remind you- I’m in Utah and it is currently 20 degrees outside…). However it’s fixed now so I’m probably cold as more of a reaction to being tired than actual coldness.

So, I’ve decided I’m definitely a fan of online shopping. It’s easy to price compare, I don’t have to leave my desk, it comes right to me, I can shop in the middle of the night if I so choose, I don’t have to deal with people trying to talk me into different things. I can do it while doing several other things. Really, I think it is fabulous. The only problem is that it is so very available to me. Since the beginning of the semester I have bought:

  • My 30GB iPod Video
  • A Train CD *which hasn’t come yet- murmur*
  • My own domain name and web hosting ( check it out. Right now all that’s up is a class assignment for my CHum 490 class that doesn’t have working links or anything but it’s there and it’s mine. If you want to check out something cool on my page go to – In addition to the random countdowns at the beginning of the page (another CHum assignment) the links at the bottom are for Divine Comedy videos. If you right click the link and choose “Save as” and save the link as a .mov you can import the files into iTunes and from there onto an iPod. I made it for myself but I would like anyone to be able to benefit from it.)
  • An iPod case
  • Glasses

Yeah, that’s right, tonight I actually bought a pair of glasses online. That seemed a little bit risky to me but I really think it’s going to be just fine… just weird that I could actually do it yaknow? I was way excited because they’re exactly the ones I wanted but for a way better price than I bought them for last year (don’t ask… after paying an arm and a leg for them I left them in Beijing… SO mad at myself!). So I’m really excited. I hope they come before I leave on tour so that I have them for tour. Then I can really just sit in the back of the van with my glasses, iPod, neck pillow and a book. That should keep people from bugging me don’t you think? I mean what could say “leave me alone” better than that? Anyways, there’s my confession for the night.

In other news, tonight was opening night for the Young Ambassadors and I think it went really well. I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for 3 years now. I can still remember retreat from my freshman year so vividly- and now I’m a senior and it’s all old hat. Just wild to think about how far I’ve come. I was thinking about that as I was walking home from the DeJong tonight (yes I was walking by myself, and no, no one attacked me, if they did I think they would be in for a rude surprise as I think I’m probably one of the more heavier armed girls on campus- I’m even more heavily armed than the BYU rent-a-cops so… yeah not too concerned). I am such a different person from the techie girl I was my freshman year. I hope in a good way. I guess there’s probably some of both. I’m definitely a lot less naive than I was back then. I was definitely a starry eyed dreamer back then who saw the world through rose colored glasses. I’ve had a few reality checks since then and I think I’m a lot more realistic now. Maybe borderline pessimistic at times in certain situations but I like to think I’m still optimistic and positive most of the time. I was a little too trusting, a little too naive and I think overall it’s just been part of growing up. I’m not quite as enthusiastic as I once was, for good and bad. I think I was enthusiastic to the point of being a little over-zealous and driving people a little bit crazy. I’ve kinda noticed that this year as one of our new freshman is a little over-enthusiastic and has a tendency to drive me a little bit crazy. I love him to death, but it’s just that over-zealousness of “hey, we have to all do this and team-build and etc etc.” Too many years has taught me that techies and performers are just different. Not bad different, just different. I love our performers, but when push comes to shove, I’m so grateful to have the tech van and be around people who are a little bit more practical, and down to earth and like me. Of course, all of those sound a little bit negative and I don’t think they’ve all been negative changes. There are many things I’ve learned from Young Ambassadors that have been profoundly positive. I think I’ve become less proud and better at being a lady. There was definitely a point when I wouldn’t ask a guy for help to save my life. No freaking way, I can open my own doors and carry this bag that’s three times my size etc etc etc. I’m still not really good at that, but I’ve gotten a ton better at accepting that maybe there are some things I can’t do, and that guys should act like gentlemen. I still try to hard to prove myself but I think I’m doing a lot better than I was. I’ve also learned to make myself more presentable. This sounds way superficial, but it’s true, and I don’t think it’s been totally negative. I mean, I still will not wear the heels of death solely for fashion’s sake. However I do care what I wear and whether I look like I could be representative of the Young Ambassadors. I actually dry my hair before school (which is definitely an improvement from high school, and most of my freshman year), and about half of the time I have my hair curled and I’ve even been known to wear makeup to school (*I’ll wait while those of you who have known me since high school pick yourselves up off the floor*). My testimony has grown infinitely stronger. I love being a part of this work. I mean, to most people we’re just a performing group that does a little singing and dancing with a BYU logo on our jackets. It’s SO much more than that. Hopefully that’s the one thing that doesn’t fade is the sense of mission I got from that first night at retreat. It’s all about lifting others and sharing our testimonies through all that we do.

Well, anyways, just a confession and some thoughts that I’d had on my way home tonight.